14 February 2011

Valentine's 2011

I don’t fly much at all so whenever I take off, I am struck by how casually everyone seems to take the fact that we’re all up in the air and those engines are the only thing keeping us up in the air. I don’t fit well in airline seats. Then again, I didn’t fit well into my shorts this morning. Since it got cold this winter, my knee started hurting, and I quit riding the bike, (LAME EXCUSES)  my weight has sort of ballooned. I am going to start sorting that out today. I know the routine, I have done it before.

At this moment, I am on the plane, trying to type on a laptop, but cannot get a good angle on the screen. There is just not enough space between me and the seat in front of me. At least it’s a beautiful day and the sun is shining. Not that I can actually see anything from my seat. Whoever designed this stupid plane neglected to put a window next to me. I have just a little sliver of the window of the guy in front of me. I am going to give up even trying to write anything, put the laptop away, and get out the nook.

Oh yeah, it’s Valentine’s Day, I have some thoughts on the matter.

Flashing forward, it’s several hours later, I’ve checked into the hotel, gotten some work done, gone out for some light dinner at Chick-fil-A, and am sitting in Starbucks sipping a decaf-two-pump-vanilla-nonfat-extra-hot-light-foam-latte and contemplating the meaning of life, the universe, women, and everything.

Really I just need to get over my nervousness and just ask some people out already. It seems so simple, I mean the human race has made it this far hasn’t it? Unfortunately the whole process seems to play on  every insecurity I’ve ever had and quite a number I thought I had gotten over. I’m having flashbacks to high school and the one time that I really officially asked someone out. Yes I did get eventually get married without really asking anyone else out ever again... long story. Which shows that it can be done, but with many things in life that can be done, I don't necessarily recommend it.

It was junior year and I think it was homecoming. I got her number out of the class directory and called her house. I don’t remember if I called more than once or exactly how the conversations when, but I remember talking to her parents at least twice. I think the first time they said she was in the shower and the second she had gone to bed and she’d talk to me the next day in school. I thought talking on the phone was bad, you cannot imagine how nervous I was the next day in homeroom when I saw her very deliberately stand up and walk over to talk to me. Panic! I actually have no idea what I said, but I do remember that she declined in a very kind fashion. Even though I cannot remember her name, I do remember her face, and I will always be grateful for her kindness.

I don’t know why I didn’t move forward from that point, but instead of moving forward, I stopped right there. I never really thought of that moment as a pivotal moment in my life, but I guess it was. Just one of those many, many things I would do differently given a do-over, given a do over I would press forward.

Suddenly after writing those last few words I am acutely aware that I have been given a do over, maybe not a magical go back in time and really get to do it all over like happens in books and films, but the messier real life kind of do-over when you figure something out before it's too late and you have a chance to do things differently if you can summon the will. 

Oh yeah, I promised Valentine’s Day thoughts.....I think Cupid is probably hoping that I will come out of my shell and give him a target because he’s having a hell of time with me in this foxhole. I guess I need to be looking for the escalator going up!

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