28 February 2010

Day 58 2010

Saturday kicked ass. Sumatra at home, Vanilla Latte at Starbucks, breakfast with friends at West Egg. I came  home, put on some music, cleaned for a bit, paid bills, did my taxes, and then went over to a friend's for dinner with her, her family, and friends. I really, really, enjoyed the entire day.

Sometimes I get this glimpse of what I want my life to be like and I imagine it's like the clouds breaking for a mariner of old who has sailed for weeks with no star to get a bearing on. It's like suddenly having a sense of direction.

Day 57 2010

Friday was an up and down day. Cannot really comment on it, it's a small Internet. I was extremely happy that the weekend showed up at the end of it. I came home and watched a silly movie, It's a Boy Girl Thing. Thank goodness for silly movies.

26 February 2010

Day 56 2010

Every now and then the fear, second guessing, and over intellectualizing dies away and it's like dropping the hammer on the biggest, baddest, most tricked out muscle car you've ever seen. That was my Thursday. Needless to say, it was a very good day.

25 February 2010

Day 55 2010

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. - Dune, Frank Herbert

I think fear and perhaps even fear of fear is a major part of the problem. Having realized that I am thinking about what I need to do to get into solution mode and stay there.

23 February 2010

Day 54 2010

Yesterday was Monday and I had a bad case of the Monday dreads, but managed to keep it under control, get into work, get focused, and get busy. I came home and as I ate a bowl of chili, I watched an interesting animated film, Persepolis, about a girl coming of age in Iran during the Islamic Revolution. I thought it was a very good example of how to use animation and drawing to effectively tell a story. I went to be early and managed to get up on time. I don't know if I am going to manage to make breakfast before having to jump in the shower and catch the bus.

22 February 2010

Day 53 2010

Sunday started with Starbucks and the usual suspects, and stopped at Trader Joe's to pick up somethings I had forgotten the day before. I made blueberry pancakes for breakfast with fresh blueberries. I love my blueberry.

I went with some friends to Grady Hospital to visit a friend who has just been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. We visited for almost an hour. I was grateful that I was able to go and support him in some small way. It brought up a lot of stuff for me from my own history with cancer, to my ability to be a good friend to others, and to how I want others to be a part of my life, even if I feel that I am not really very good at it yet.

Yesterday afternoon mom inspired me to see if cleaning a window would make the house cleaner. I got the window clean, but also ended up talking to my neighbor Mike for about an hour. When I was done, I discovered that mom was right, having that window clean and smudge free did indeed make the entire house look better.

I finished the evening by watching State of Play. It was a good movie even though I had this strange feeling that I had seen it before, even though I hadn't.

Lots of changes at work this week. This morning it seems almost ominous that it is starting with a four in the morning thunderstorm complete with thunder and lightning. I have five new people on my team this week and it's going to be a challenge.

21 February 2010

Day 52 2010

Saturday Morning was coffee, friends, breakfast, Trader Joe's, and then home to start whittling away at all the stuff that needs doing around the house. I've been leaving the house well before dawn, returning after dusk, and it's been pretty cloudy and overcast. Yesterday was the first really sunny warm day that we have had in ages and it really underlined how much cleaning I needed to do around the house. I saw the house in the sunlight for the first time in ages and said, "holly cow I need to clean!" Just vacuuming the house seemed to take forever and a day, but I got it done. I stripped the bed, ran the linens through the wash, and remade the beds. I did a load of darks, a load of whites, and all the laundry folded and put away. I scrubbed the bathroom sink, toilet, and floor. I fixed one of my speakers. I figured out how to take it apart, found the wire that had come loose, and reconnected it. I have treble coming from the right speaker again! It makes the television and the radio sound so much better. I made chili for lunch, and rice and beans for dinner. I did the dishes. I checked the traps in the attic for small furry unwelcome guests, none! I changed the litter box for the cat. I did some misc cleaning, sorting, and thinking about what do I need to do with this and that.

Somewhere in there, I did find time to catch up on Grey's Anatomy which made me tear up as always. It was fascinating watching characters you love at much earlier points in their lives. I don't think that Grey's has ever used flashback extensively before and while I enjoyed the episode it made me realize that I am glad it's not a show that relies heavily on flashback. It would take away from the immediacy of the show. I watched Grey's sister show, Private Practice, and then an episode of the Deep End which I am largely watching because I find Tina Majorino so adorable (and have ever since Veronica Mars).

Not a bad day, it even seemed to have a bit of balance to it, scary thought. Only thing I could have done batter was I was helping someone jump a car and someone else, who owned the jumper cables and the car doing the jumping, was insisting that I do it the "right" way which was actually wrong and I knew it and didn't stick up for myself. You connect the red (positive) on the car to be jumped, the red on the car that is doing the jumping, the black (positive) on the car doing the jumping, and then the red to any bare metal on the car being jumped except the battery. The reason being is that batteries can let off hydrogen gas and when you make the final connection that's when you are potentially going to get sparks. You don't want those sparks to ignite the battery. (confirmation)

20 February 2010

Day 51 2010

I am having a bit of trouble with what tense to be writing in on this blog. Usually I get up in the morning and write about the events of the day before. So when I say Day 51 is it the day I am writing about, or is it the day that I am writing? Do I worry too much about these questions? Probably. There is a time stamp so anyone can pretty easily figure out that I am writing about the day before. But anyway, I thought this morning, the 51st day of the year that I would try writing about what is happening now, right here, as I write. That the title of the post now refers to when I sat down to write, and less about what happened on a given day. Trying to write about yesterday as if I was wrapping up my thoughts at the end of the day was giving me a headache.

So I cannot call Friday just another day in the office. Things continue to be stressful. I finished my first full week of being out of an office and back on the call center floor. There are positives and negatives on being on the floor and back in cube-ville. I am suddenly much more plugged in to what is going on with this particular client and with the agents in our technical support center, but more removed from bigger picture stuff which takes place in those (for me: ivory tower?) offices. I have friends that are telling me that if I want to get ahead I need to pay more attention to the bigger picture stuff going on inside those offices, but there is an instinct in me that says if I focus on doing a good job at whatever level, the big picture will take care of itself. And my experience thus far has shown this to be true.

Yesterday I took Marta but stopped at the Lindberg Starbucks to have coffee, talk with a friend or two, and completely change my attitude towards the day. Refreshed by a latte I continued on to work and had a fairly productive day. Meant to leave early, but ended up only leaving about fifteen minutes before my usual time. When I got home I finished off the leftover sketi, curled up on the couch and watched Pandorum, not the most relaxing movie to watch by yourself in a cold dark house on a Friday evening. Although curling up under some blankets on the couch with a cat curled up next to me sort of took the edge off. It was okay, there was a lot in the film that perked my interest. It didn't quite deliver on all the potential of the plot and I felt there was some inconsistency and murkiness in the story telling towards the end.

This morning I am trying to decide what to do with the weekend which even at six am on a Saturday feels like it is slipping away all too quickly. I was able to set at my computer and finish my two cups of Sumatra this morning for the first time since last weekend, what a decadent luxury.

Day 50 2010

It was a Friday

19 February 2010

Day 49 2010

On a whim took the train an extra stop to the Sandy Springs Station just to see what it was like to walk to work from that station. It's a bit further, but has the advantage of a putting a Starbucks directly in line between the station and the office. Previously if I was going to divert to Starbucks it would require a lengthy detour.

Rie Rasmussen
I came home feeling a little down. Make some sketti, probably ate too much of it. Watched a Luc Besson film called Angel-A which is a re-imagination of the classic It's a Wonderful Life. The man pushed to his limits, down on himself, and thinking of ending it all is AndrĂ©, played by Jamel Debbouze, and the angel in this case, is played by Rie Rasmussen, a tall, leggy, blond super model.

The angel in this case is not your typical angel. She lights one cigarette after another because as she explains, where she's from, you cannot even sneak one. And that is only the begininig. Ms. Rasmussen a delight to watch on screen both fun and beautiful.

Visually the movie, shot on location in Paris, is pure black and white eye candy of the first order.

Thematically part of what angel-a tries to get the lead character to see in himself, parallels thoughts and feelings I have been having lately. Issues of self-esteem and fear of being oneself. I am still noodling over some of the stuff it stirred up.

18 February 2010

Day 48 2010

Drove to work. Worked hard on a lot of stuff and didn't finish any of it. Worked late meeting with client. Got home, made dinner, watched part of a movie, fell asleep. Not the world's most interesting day. Had to top off groceries with a trip to Trader Joe's on the way home. Lot's of things I want to do right now, not getting to much of it.

17 February 2010

Day 47 2010

Not a bad day as days tend to go. I did buy myself a Starbucks (coffee not Latte) on the way to work. Had to put in a good long walk to get it, but didn't eat out or spend any other money.

After work I went to visit a friend who organized a Mardi Gras fundraiser for the Georgia Parent Support Network being held in one of the ballrooms at the Fox Theater.

Got home pretty late, had a snack, then stumbled off to bed.

16 February 2010

Day 46 2010

Monday: Made breakfast, made lunch, took MARTA, made relatively healthy dinner, had a fairly productive day at work, and didn't spend any money. Think I can put that one into the win column.

The cold seems much better, maybe just a trace of it hanging on, but I was dead tired when the bus dropped me off down the street from my house. I didn't get much done after fixing some dinner. I forced myself to watch the end of movie from Netflix that turned out to be a pretty pointless film. I had already invested an hour in watching it when I realized I really wanted to turn it off, but I kept on hoping it would get better, but it never did.

15 February 2010

Day 45 2010

Sunday started in the usual manner. Coffee with friends, then going by Trader Joe's to do the rest of the grocery shopping for the week. When I got home I really wanted breakfast to make itself. After awhile it became apparent that was not going to happen no matter how hard I wished it would, so got off my duff and fixed myself some breakfast.

Called Mom and decided to go to a movie, Crazy Heart, with her. The first theater was sold out before we got there so we just got back in the car and drove over to another  and got in just fine. I wasn't all that impressed with the film. It didn't strike a chord with me and I thought there were a number of elements that almost worked. I was not that impressed with the Oscar nominated performance of Jeff Bridges. I was slightly more impressed with the Oscar nominated performance of Maggie Gyllenhaal, but that could have been heavily influenced by the fact I think she is lovely and adorable.

After the movie I stayed for dinner.... salmon, you kidding, of course I stayed for dinner and got to spend some time with Dad as well. 


Transformation, bridging that gap between who we are and who we want to be sometimes seems so overwhelming. I tend to forget that most of the time it starts with small things and that practicing on the small things is what allows you to do something differently when the bigger life altering moments come along. There is a  part of me that wants to make sweeping changes, preferably without a lot of effort. To just go from being one way to being another. Sadly I don't think that is the way the universe works.

It is probably a good thing that wishing does not make something so. You never really know much about a destination until you make the journey to get there. And in making that journey you might find that your original destination wasn't somewhere you really wanted to go at all, that life had something better to offer along the way that you never would have seen if you had been instantly and magically transported to your destination. You found something better along the way because you had been making those frustratingly small baby steps up the path, one after another, after another, after another.

14 February 2010

Day 44 2010

This was the view off of the front stoop this morning. For a change I stayed in on a Saturday morning. I slept in too, if sleeping to five am can be called sleeping in. I spent most of the morning either working or worrying about work. Finally about noon I realized that I needed some type of distraction and watched this weeks Grey's Anatomy.

One of the themes, and one of the reasons I love Grey's Anatomy is the fact that there is almost always a theme, was change, adaption, reinvention, and transformation. There is scene where Lexi has transformed her appearance by going blonde and another character challenges on her on the superficial nature of the change: My point is you can't just change your hair. Yeah you want to be unforgettable? You want to not be mousy? You can't just change your hair, you have to actually change.

13 February 2010


"not mousy" reinvention change adapt finding a way moving forward

12 February 2010

Day 43 2010

Friday was a good day. I had some successes at work during the week and left the office a little early on Friday to beat the snow. I am loving my iPhone although the battery life could be longer.

I am utterly and completely exhausted at the moment, a combination of a nagging cold, a hard week at work, and not getting enough sleep last night. It's not even 8pm and my eyelids are feeling heavy and it's hard to come up with things to say about the day. Sipping a large mug of herbal tea probably isn't helping matters.

The snow is lovely, particularly from inside my cozy little house. Particularly on a Friday evening with the weekend stretching out ahead. I had an idea for a film script at lunch today. Maybe I will stay in tomorrow and do things like putter around the house, surf the inter-webs, and try my hand at a screenplay.

11 February 2010

Day 42 2010

I am very quickly getting used to having an iPhone. It's a nice little piece of technology.

For awhile however, I thought something was dreadfully wrong with it. I tried everything I could to get it to connect to a wireless router in the office but could not get out to the internet. I went online and read all these horror stories in forums about bad wi-fi in iPhones. After stewing over this for about an hour I realized that the router was turned on, but was not plugged into the network. Once I plugged the router into the network, my wi-fi speed improved significantly

I came home and made some awesome sketti and later a friend came over to talk. I think I was able to be useful and that was a good feeling, a very good feeling. I got to bed late after watching about ten minutes of The Mentalist and deciding that it would make more sense to try to catch it later, maybe even online.


If we let things terrify us, life will not be worth living.

Day 41 2010

It's a cold morning and my head is aching from this cold that refuses to let go. I woke up, made coffee, and wandered into the office to putter online for a bit before getting ready for the day. At one point I looked at the time and realized that I had never made to my second cup of coffee, never made it to breakfast, and if I didn't get myself in gear, wasn't going to make my bus. I made it to work, but definitely don't have that bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, ready to take on the world feeling. I feel in need of a few quiet unremarkable days off.

I was looking forward to my iPhone arriving on Thursday, so I was delighted when I found it was out for delivery on Wednesday, the excitement ramped up when I found it had been delivered. I kept telling myself to focus on work despite my urge to dash home to claim it off the porch and play with it. But I waited until the end of the day, took the bus home, and found the package from AT&T sitting on my doorstep. I started up iTunes, plugged in the iPhone, ran through the setup, and made my first phone call to mom. Then came figuring out what to do with all my contacts. I synced with my Google Contacts which probably makes sense, but it resulted in a lot of junk in my address book. Then there was the matter of all the contacts in my old phone, I sat pretending to watch Criminal Minds, but mostly what I did was manually transfer contacts from my old phone to the new one.

There is definitely a learning curve to it.

09 February 2010

Day 40 2010

Tuesday, better than Monday. Long day, my MARTA train had trouble on the way in the morning and on the way home I was on one that died completely, we had to disembark and wait for the next train. Got home late and made a spinach salad of awesomeness. Tried watching NCIS, but got snuggled up and warm on the couch and promptly fell asleep. I still have a cold and am tired of not having any damn energy for anything. I could really use a break.

As I was laying on the couch Monday night, I had at some point opened my flip phone and set it on my chest. Unfortunately I later stood up sending the flip phone tumbling to the floor in the open position. My poor cellphone is the original one I got when I signed up for wireless service and it's survived many, many, accidental tumbles. All those times it was closed. It did not survive the fall in the open position. The hinge shattered and now the only thing holding the phone together is the data cable going to the display screen.

The upshot of this is that I had to buy a new phone and I finally caved in and got the iPhone I've wanted since the day the original iPhone came out. It's supposed to be delivered on Thursday.

Day 39 2010

Monday, a bad case of the dreads turned out to be all sound and fury over nothing. This was good. Tired when I got home. Had some leftover chili, watched House, fell asleep. I drove in Monday which means I face the rest of the week on MARTA. There is a rumor MARTA is changing it's fare or even fare structure which I'd find to be... very unfortunate.

08 February 2010

Cooper in the Afternoon Light

For me there is something so Zen-like and peaceful about this picture. Something in it makes me think of an Edward Hooper painting.

Day 38 2010

Sunday I met friends for coffee, came home, and got busy around the house. I made breakfast, then cleaned and mopped the kitchen. I striped both beds, washed, dried, and the linens, and remade the beds. I did a couple of loads of laundry and then folded that and the backlogged of laundry and put all of it away. I cleaned the bathroom toilet, sink, and floor, then vacuumed the rest of the house. I was feeling quite stressed and keeping busy seemed to help.

Around 4pm I went to pick up a friend to go to a Super Bowl party, we ran by Wolf Camera so she could pick up some photos and and stopped by Kroger to pick up some ice for the party.

I ended up watching the game on this brand new 50 inch plasma television. All I can say is wow. If I didn't have other priorities in life I would run out and buy one. It's as big a step up from my 21 inch conventional tube television as my television is from radio. But I don't even have cable at the moment!

It was a good game, hotly contested right up until New Orleans made a key interception late in the second half. Although the real turning point of the game was when New Orleans opened the second half with a dramatic surprise onside kick.

07 February 2010

Moments Missed

Taken 2/2/2010. It's a Tuesday and I am walking from the train station to work. It's been raining and is a nippy 40 degrees. On this particularly morning I'm making a diversion down a different street to Starbucks to treat myself. Starbucks. Starbucks is a bit a walk from the office, I would say at least a mile. This is probably a good thing. It means that if I go to Starbucks I am going to be getting my exercise and it means that the degree of difficultly in getting Starbucks helps me stick to my budget, which  does not include much Starbucks. I have about a latte a week budgeted for Starbucks.

In this photo, I love the rain and the way the lights reflect off of every surface. I love walking the streets all bundled up in cold weather. I don't like how I let myself get preoccupied with negative thoughts and emotions which diminishes my enjoyment and I miss moments in time that would otherwise make me profoundly happy.

Day 37 2010

I made it to the weekend. I wish it has been with a great sigh of relief, but it's not that easy to leave the stress of the week behind me. It took most of the day to get myself down off the ledge that I'd climbed on, but eventually I managed to do it.

I started the day with Starbucks and met up for breakfast with friends at West Egg. While waiting to be seated we took a photo in the photo booth in the waiting area. (That is me in the back.) Breakfast was nice, afterwards I headed over to Ikea, not really to buy anything, most just to wander aimlessly, think of how I might want to decorate at some point, and to people watch. I did end up buying a vase, an artificial flower, and a night-light for a grand total was $6.

Post-Ikea I came home, looked up mom's directions for making spinach dip, and for good measure made a grocery list for the week. Then I hit up Trader Joe's and Publix both of which were mad houses on the day before the Super Bowl. It took a couple of hours, but eventually I was home with a full week's worth of groceries.

When I got home, I made the spinach dip for the party I am going to Sunday. I cooked chili and brown rice for dinner. I curled up as best I could in my office chair with my chili and watched Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice on the computer. For some reason I don't get the local ABC affiliate even though I am right smack in the middle of the city, so there are some shows I can only watch on the computer.

Day 36 2010

Friday. Bad day, bit of a blur really. Got a little teary at times.

I finished the day watching Cold Souls which I really, really liked and thought was a strong interesting movie right up to the end, then I thought it sort of fizzled a bit. There was nothing wrong with the story, no plot developments to anger me, it was the way a clear crisp story suddenly jumped out of focus right at the end. The premise, that you can have your soul removed and stored if it is causing you too much inconvenience or discomfort, as it does for Paul as he struggles with emotions brought on by his role in Uncle Vanya.

It's funny, I used to wonder why anyone would watch a movie with Paul Giamatti, but he is growing on me. I like his energy and I really like the performance he turned in for this movie.

05 February 2010

Day 35 2010

Not much to be said for this particular Thursday, I took the bus, took the train, ate lunch at chick-fil-a, survived another day in the trenches. My cold took a turn for the worse, when I got home I made some dinner, plopped in front of the TV and went to bed early.

04 February 2010

Day 34 2010

TREAT DAY! I drove to work which allowed for coffee with friends. It really got the day started on the right note. I ran into traffic on the way to work and was later than I planned which I made up on the back end of the day. Didn't have time for much when I got home but to make a bagel burger, some white cheddar pasta shells, and to watch some of a movie (Love Happens) and most of Criminal Minds. I ran out of gas before Criminal Minds was over and went to bed. I am kicking myself because I would have loved to have seen the end.

03 February 2010

Day 33 2010

It occurs to me that I'm much more comfortable in my house for which I am extremely grateful. When I first moved in and tried to sleep it seemed like every little noise would startle me, even if I was asleep. It felt like I was hearing every little noise in the house or even in the neighborhood. At times I wondered if I had made this horrible mistake buying a house that I would never be able to get comfortable in or be able to get a good night's sleep in. Now my house has turned into this safe comfortable place. I love being home.

The thirty third day of the year was fairly routine. I took MARTA to work, spent the majority of the day attending a virtual class, and got some work done in the afternoon. I have so much to do at work at the moment it's a bit overwhelming. I was down a bit when I got home, but some friends help me hit the reset button. One person in particular said something that turned my evening around. It's odd how we will get this idea in our heads of how we are that can be so completely wrong. I finished the last of the leftovers from dinner at mom's on Sunday. Mom had sent me home with left over mashed potatoes and eye of round...yum. I watched NCIS, managed to stay awake through the entire thing, and slept the sleep of the if not the righteous then just really tired.

02 February 2010

Day 32 2010

It's Monday and the work week has begun. So how many hours is it till the weekend starts? It's been awhile since I have started a Monday thinking that way. It's not particularly useful. I need to get focused on today and what I can get accomplished today. If I take care of today, the weekend will get here before I know it.

It's tough to write a blog. I used to write just any old thing and thank goodness there don't seem to be any public copies of that stuff floating around. It was so dark, depressed, and crying for help. I am very aware now when I write of public/private boundaries and the fact that anything I say on a blog basically goes on the public record. It makes me think things through a little more.

Monday was a long day. Successes included: breakfast, MARTA, Chiptole, dinner and surviving another day in the office. After dinner I watched House and went to bed.

01 February 2010

An entire month of posts

Really, an entire month? I might not have had much to say, but at least I said it everyday. Breaking out the Blogger sweatshirt to celebrate. Cheers!